


Leaders Need Leading Too

by kpoplover101



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, NCT is whipped for Taeyong, Protective NCT, lee taeyong angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-03-17 15:12:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18967792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kpoplover101/pseuds/kpoplover101
Summary: Lee Taeyong is the leader of a 21 person group that’s growing by the day. He is struggling emotionally, mentally, and physically but won’t show it.Because he is the leader and leaders can’t ask for help.Right??





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Why am I starting another fic when I have 2 unfinished?? Guess we’ll never know. 
> 
>  
> 
> I’ll try to update. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading❤️

As a leader of a group you need to be strong, reliable, a good example, talented, caring, comforting, approachable, etc. The list could go on and on but the thing is, there is no list. No one tells you how to be a good leader. There’s no guide or handbook, they just throw you into the real world with members to take care of and a reputation to uphold and it’s all on your shoulders. 

 

At least....that’s how Taeyong feels. 

When Taeyong was a trainee, he was approached to be leader of a upcoming debuting group called NCT. Of course he was ecstatic to finally debut after five years of training, but leader? really? 

He thought he’d do terrible as a leader. He dealt with anxiety and self esteem issues so handling himself right after debut would be hard but other people too?? He had asked management about other trainees, maybe Doyoung? or Ten? but they had said no. It had to be him. It was either be leader or no debut. So he chose the former of course. 

No one gave him any advice. They told him his role and just expected him to do it. 

So he did. 

He did it so well that they decided he could handle more members. 

and more members...

and more members...

and more...

more...

until the group as a whole was 21 people including himself. 

And sure he wasn’t officially the leader of the whole NCT but he was treated as such. Basically given the responsibility but not the title or respect. His members respected him,yes, but not the company. They treated him like crap. Task after task after task for him to accomplish on his own. A fan sign there, a concert here, a photoshop in between. Not to mention him given the task of writing and composing songs for the whole group, which was another thing he didn’t get credit for. 

It was hard, so damn hard but he never let it show. Because one thing he did know was a requirement for a good leader was to be strong. To be there for his members and comfort them, but never let them comfort him. 

So that’s what he made sure. That his members never worried about him. 

 

Until it got too much and they had too.


	2. Chapter 1: Face(Taeil)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong and Taeil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve decided each chapter will be Taeyong and another member and it will revolve around a different issue each time. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading💖
> 
> I’ll try to update often but school started so i’ll probs be dead

It started off like any other week. 127 was busy with Superhuman promotions and the tour; Dreams just came out with a collaboration; and WayV was off doing promotions and talk shows. 

NCT as a whole was doing well. Music show wins, awards, tours, albums, international fame; all of it was good for the group as a whole. It, however, was not good for one member. 

Taeyong was thrilled about the groups success, don’t get him wrong, but it put an extra pressure on him from the company that the other members didn’t experience. It added an extra 10 tasks to his already long list of things to do; the company looked at the group more closely, making sure they were perfect; and if the group didn’t meet the companies standards, they would take it out on Taeyong. 

Taeyong would never take it out on his members, never. In his eyes if the company was mad, it was his fault. If a member messed up in dance practice, it was because Taeyong didn’t show them the move properly. If someone overslept, it was because Taeyong didn’t wake them. 

By his same messed up logic, if the group did something good it wasn’t his doing. If a song he wrote was a big hit, it’s cause his members did an amazing job singing it. If he was complimented on his leading or manners, it was because his members were easy to lead(not) or his members influenced him. 

The only thing he ever remotely took credit for, was if someone complimented him on his looks. Cause after years of being complimented about it, being told that’s all you are, he got used to it. He still got shy about it but mainly cause he hated that sort of attention.

He appreciated the compliments, yes, but not when they were the only compliments he got. That may sound selfish but he yearned for something more. Other members got compliments about their skills: dancing, rapping, singing or even their manners or attitude. Along with those they also got compliments about their looks. But Taeyong only ever heard ones directed to him about his face. 

Logically he knew everyone didn’t mean it. They didn’t mean to only compliment his face or body. Deep down he understood it wasn’t on purpose. But that dark place in his mind; that anxiety ridden place always got the better of him. 

That part told him, “your face is the only good thing about you” and “that’s the only reason you’re in NCT”, “of course that’s what they compliment, it’s all you have to compliment.”

As much as his sensible side told him otherwise, he always listened to the darkness. 

Taeil:

You would think being the oldest in a big popular group would be hard and full of responsibility, but no. Taeil had his struggles, yes, but none to do with managing the group. 

This is why he forgot sometimes that Taeyong was indeed younger then him. The other took all the responsibility and refused to share it. He took care of everyone, older and younger then him, and didn’t let anymore take care of him. 

Taeil took advantage of that fact, not on purpose of course. He relied on Taeyong so much that by now he assumed the younger had everything under control. 

Even if he didn’t. 

 

It wasn’t until one night at 1 am(so morning) that Taeil got shocked into reality. 

He had gone to bed right away after getting home from a radio show, falling asleep instantly. However, the vocalist woke up around 12 for some reason and couldn’t fall back asleep. Finally he decided to get out of his bed and get a glass of water. 

On his way to the kitchen he saw out of the corner of his eye, Taeyongs empty bed. 

‘Maybe he’s in the living room?’

Checked there.....No

‘Bathroom?’

Empty 

‘Kitchen’

Got his water, no one to be seen

‘That’s odd,’ he thought. 

The only other place he could be was in the practice room at SM but Taeyong always scolded members for staying there past 12. It was now 12:30 and no Taeyong. 

Would the leader really be that hypocritical?

Taeil found out the answer to that was ‘yes’ later when he entered the practice room to find Taeyong. The other was sitting criss-cross in the center of the room looking down at his lap. Taeil noticed as he approached that the younger was shaking. 

No.....

not shaking....

crying

“Taeyong?” the sudden mention of his name made said boy jump in surprise, quickly wiping away his tears. 

“H-hyung? What are you doing here?” Taeyong hadn’t turned around, only looking at Taeil through the mirror. 

“Do you know what time it is Yongie? It’s too late for you to be here. Come on let’s go home.” Taeil was now kneeling in front of the other, hoping for him to look up. 

“N-no hyung. I need to finish something first”

“No, come on.”

“Hyung please, I need to-“

“Taeyong we’re leav-“

“HYUNG CANT YOU SEE I NEED TO STAY”. 

Oh shit....

“h-hyung im sorry... i didn’t mean to yell i’m sorry-i’m sorry.” The younger was clearly panicking and it confused Taeil even more then the yelling. 

Taeyong never yelled, even when he was mad he only ever slightly raised his voice. 

Taeyong also never showed weakness. Not a tear, or a frown, let alone a panic attack. 

 

It broke Taeils reality in two. 

Quickly Taeil sat properly and scooped the younger into his lap with no resistance from Taeyong. 

That was also concerning because Taeyong was known to love skinship but rarely actually participated in it. He had let slip during trainee days that it made him feel like a burden and he vowed to never do it. So Taeyong willingly being dragged into a persons lap without pushing back was bad. 

“Hey, Yongie it’s ok. I’m not mad, I know you’re tired. It’s okay.”

and with that something in Taeyong burst, trying to get out of the olders lap. 

“No but I need to practice now. I need to do this move. I ne-“.

“No no Yongie, you’re done. We’re going home, come on.”

“Hyung you don’t get it, I need to practice. I have to do this.” Taeyong still struggling against Taeils arms. 

“God Taeyong why are you being so stubborn? Why do you need to do this so badly!”

“Cause I need to be good enough!!”

What?

Taeil released Taeyong but merely because he was too confused at the others statement. The younger scrambled out of his lap and back onto the floor in front of him, looking down again. 

“Tae-Taeyong, what do you mean good enough?” 

but he was only met with a shaking head. 

“Taeyong, tell hyung what you meant by that. Now!”. 

Silence....

but then movement 

 

Taeyong slowly moved his hand to Taeils knee. It may have confused someone else but the other knew it was Taeyongs way of asking permission. So he gave a small nod yes. The younger then slowly moved back into his lap, facing down still but it was an improvement. 

“Yongie”. 

“I-Sometimes I just feel like I need to do better. To be better so I can prove i’m not just a pretty face. To prove I deserve to be here.” Taeyongs words came out as only a whisper; also slightly silenced by his forming tears but Taeil heard them. He wished he hadn’t but he did. 

How does Taeyong actually believe he’s just a face? 

Was he serious?

Had he always felt like this and how has Taeil not noticed?

Now that he thinks about it, has he ever heard Taeyong receive a compliment not about his face?

Taeils questioning was interrupted by said boy trying to get out of his lap again. 

“Sorry hyung, nevermind. I’m fine okay? Let’s just head back.” Taeyong started to get out of the oldests lap for the second time while also wiping his tears away. But Taeil pulled him back in, hugging him tighter then before. 

“Oh no you don’t” he says as he wipes the other mans tears. 

“Taeyong, come one you gotta talk to me. I know as the leader you think that you have to keep your struggles to yourself for our own good but it’s not true. Leaders need leading too sometimes and that’s perfectly okay. So you gotta talk to me.”

‘Was it really okay?’ Taeyong thought 

‘Can I really tell him?’

With a sigh Taeyong thought ‘screw it’

“Hyung, I just...I see the comments, I know what people think of me and I try to ignore it but I can’t anymore. I’m the visual, that’s all i’m really seen as and you know it. I’ve tried to accept it but it’s so hard sometimes, so I thought maybe if I worked harder and did better people would finally see me as something more? Maybe it’s all useless though, I mean the only good thing about me is my face so the fans aren’t wrong.” 

What?

“Oh baby, no no no! Taeyong you are so much more then a face I swear! Have you seen yourself? Yes you are gorgeous, there’s no denying that, but you are also a fantastic rapper, breathtaking dancer, improving singer, amazing leader, and not to mention almost a perfect person in general!”

“re-really?”

The confusion in the leaders voice broke Taiels heart. How could Taeyong not see all he had to offer?”

The older sighed, knowing it would take more convincing. 

“Look baby, I know in the past people have just talked about your face but that’s not all you are. I promise you, you are so much more then your appearance. We all love you, not because of your beauty outside...but your beauty inside”. Taeil looked down with a smile, which was met by a shy but present smile from the younger. 

“Thank you hyung”. 

“You don’t have to thank me baby. Now let’s get you home so you can rest ok?”

Met with no protest this time, the two headed home and if they were found cuddled together the next morning on the couch, no one said anything about it.


	3. Chapter 2: Book(Johnny)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong and Johnny

Taeyong was the leader, the one everyone looked up to. He was the example of what people should be. In order to be a good example he had to be talented, responsible, kind, fun, but most importantly happy. 

That’s the reason he closed himself off, cause he wasn’t happy. He hid his true feelings from everyone so they wouldn’t worry, or become unhappy like him. Taeyong couldn’t bare the thought of ruining his groups mood, especially cause they were such a happy and lively bunch. So, he hid his sadness, his anxiety, his self-doubt, and his depression. 

Johnny: 

Johnny prided himself on getting people to open up. He enjoyed being there for others and helping them through their problems. He could read his members like a book. 

Well, all except one. 

Instead of an open book like the rest of the members, Taeyong was a closed book...

wrapped in chains...

locked in a safe...

buried underground...

While it toke mere months for Johnny to understand the quirks and stress signs of his members , he couldn’t figure Taeyong out completely even after the 8 years they’ve known each other. 

It’s not that they weren’t close, they were two of the closest actually. It’s just that whenever Johnny got close to figuring the other out, Taeyong would catch on and change himself accordingly. 

If Johnny noticed Taeyong would bite his nails when he was nervous, the next day he would stop entirely. If he saw Taeyong fiddle with his hands when stressed, the next day the dancers hands would be firmly at his sides. 

It frustrated Johnny that he couldn’t get the leader to open up. He wasn’t blind, he knew how much pressure Taeyong was under and he really just wanted to help. 

He wasn’t mad at the other, god no. He was mad at SM(big surprise right). The company had instilled in Taeyong at a young age that leaders had to be stone cold, tough, strong. They gave him “rules”, one of which was being emotionless, and if he broke one there would be a punishment. They caught him crying? he’d have an extra hour of practice; he was frowning too much? he’d be locked in the studio till he wrote decent lyrics. 

 

Everyone in the group saw what was going on but didn’t do anything about it. They were all too scared; they were groupless trainees, replaceable, nothing. As much as they wanted to help Taeyong, they didn’t. That’s why Johnny needs to make up for it now. 

He knew it would be hard but he had to try. For Taeyong....

Johnny started small:

Getting him to talk-

After each dance practice the group had, Taeyong would be called in to summarize the progress of the day to the management team. After each meeting Taeyong would always come home looking a little more tired and walking with a little more drag in his step. So Johnny thought after Taeyong got home from today’s meeting, he would approach him. And this time, he’d get an answer. 

That is, if the leader ever came home. 

It was currently 10 pm, which isn’t too late, if you overlook the fact Taeyong’s meeting was supposed to end at 8pm. 

It wasn’t uncommon for Taeyong to stay later then required at the studio, but tomorrow was a busy day for the group so Johnny had hoped the leader would come home at a decent time. His hopes were crushed. 

That is, until he heard the door open and shut to their dorm. 

Johnny quietly but quickly made his way towards the entrance, where the sight he was met with made him frown. 

There stood the leader, barely awake and clearly distraught. He was slightly swaying side to side, having trouble standing, and his head was hung low. All Johnny wanted to do was scoop him up and carry him to bed, but he needed to talk to him(more now then ever before). 

“Taeyong?” said boy flinched slightly and finally looked up at the elder. 

“Oh hyung, what are you still doing up? It’s late and tomorrow’s a busy day, you should get to bed.”

“I wanted to wait up for you. I need to talk to you actually.” This only made the leader grow concerned, moving closer to Johnny but slowly in order to stay standing. 

“Something wrong?”

“No, well kinda? Can we just go sit on the couch?”

After a small nod from the younger, both slowly moved to the couch where they ended up sitting almost on top of each other but neither minded the closeness. Johnny hoped it would allow him to keep the other from running away and Taeyong was using Johnnys body to help him sit up. 

“Listen, I know you don’t like talking about this sort of thing so I just ask you listen to me. Can you do that?” 

Hesitation 

A nod

“Okay. Taeyong, i’m worried about you. All of us are actually, we’ve all seen how down and tired you’ve been recently. I don’t know exactly what’s going on but I know your job isn’t as simple and easy as you make it look. I also know you try to put up a front for all of us, but you don’t need to do that. At least, not with me.”

It took Taeyong a minute for Johnny’s words to fully process in his tired mind. When they did, Johnny could tell he felt uncomfortable right away. 

But before the younger could open his mouth to talk, Johnny needed to ensure that Taeyong knew all of his feelings.

“Taeyong, I know you don’t want us to worry but you keeping this to yourself is the reason we do. So, if you want us to feel better, please, open yourself up to us. Maybe just me for right now?”

 

More hesitation

and then 

Another nod

 

With Tayongs small nod, he lifted his head and that’s when Johnny can see the full extent of the leaders tiredness. Bags under both eyes, red lining of each eye from lack of sleep, and tear filled eyes threatening to spill onto the others cheek. 

“I...I’m just so tired. I feel like I could sleep for days bu..but I have sooooo much to do that I can’t even manage 2 hours a night. I’m-i’m worried that I’m not up for this....this position, this workload, even this life and it’s scaring me. But if I tell any of you, then it’ll effect how you all work and do as well. I couldn’t live with myself if I was the reason you all were sad or lacking. I can’t do that to   
you guys.”

His words only came out as a whisper and in the middle of it his head fell back down to its original position. But this is improvement, it’s what Johnny wanted. He got Taeyong to open up but he is far from happy about what the other said when doing so. 

“Tae, hey can you look at me Yongie?”. 

Slowly said boy looked back up, making eye contact with Johnny. 

“You don’t have to worry about us. We are a team, a family. If one of us is down then it’s up to the others to lift them back up, that includes you too. I know this is hard, being the leader of a huge group like this and I know that you like taking care of us and not the other way around but sometimes we need to do things we don’t like. Letting us comfort you is one of those things. One perk of being the leader of a 21 person group is that you have 20 people who love you, respect you, and would do anything to see you happy. I swear Tae, that if you open yourself up to us, we won’t push you away, we’ll embrace you like you do for us.” 

“B-But-“

“No buts Taeyong. You may be the leader, but that doesn’t mean you need to be perfect. At least try, Okay?”

Silence overtook the two. Johnny was dying for an answer but the look in Taeyong’s eyes made him wait for the other to respond on his own. 

“I’ll try. I can’t promise anything though”. 

Good enough for him. 

“Okay, well first things first then is to get you to bed. You look like you’ll pass out any minutes now.”

This was met with no objection, clearly the leader was happy at the idea of sleep. 

Johnny led Taeyong to his room and instructed him to get ready. He then went to his own room to get his phone to text the manager. There was no way Taeyong was doing anything tomorrow and if management didn’t like that then too bad. 

After sending a paragraph to the manager, Johnny made his way back to Taeyong. When he entered the others room the sight he was met with had him cooing. There was his tired leader laying sound asleep under his covers, no sign of him waking anytime soon. 

Johnny couldn’t help himself and joined him in bed. Pulling the other close to his chest and encircling him in his arms, Johnny released a content sigh before falling asleep himself. 

Knowing he finally got his leader to open up like a book, allowed him to dream well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am literally so sorry that it’s been like 1 Billion years since i’ve updated but life’s been haaarrrdddd.
> 
> I’ll try to be better at updates 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading❤️❤️


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